Compassion is as essential to our life as human beings as breathing . If it were not for the compassion we have for each other we would not have been able to maintain relationships or function as a society. However , in today's hyper competitive and hyper connected world, compassion has taken on negative connotations for many people. Some people feel if they let themselves be compassionate then they will lose out in a world , where everyone is only looking out for themselves. The research on compassion , however shows us otherwise. Some people also misconstrue self -compassion as selfishness, something that only self-indulgent people do. The research on self compassion is also very clear. Without exercising compassion for one self , it is practically impossible to exercise compassion for others. When I queried different people, this is what compassion means to them :
First , let us look at what the research says about compassion , so we are on the same page, about the definition. Compassion is a word we all know and yet there are many different interpretations and understanding of the word in academic literature. Strauss et al. (2016) , proposed a definition after all the research that was carried out on compassion, This was the definition they proposed :
1.Compassion Is Recognizing the suffering of others , having the mindfulness and presence to fully observe the suffering of others
2.Compassion Is Understanding that suffering is a part of being human and that suffering is a part of life. Accepting that everyone , that is alive, everywhere suffers at some point. This is called the universality of suffering.
3. Compassion Is Feeling Empathy. When we are confronted with someone else's suffering we feel their pain , it resonates with us , we get an inking of how the other person is feeling . This is called emotional resonance that leads to empathy, understanding their suffering by feeling a quiver of it , ourselves.
4. Compassion Is Withstanding the Negativity: When we are confronted with someone else's suffering we are overwhelmed by negative emotions like anger , disgust, fear , terror , grief or sadness. Often , it is at this stage that people look away or avoid people who are suffering . Compassion Is tolerating the negativity that comes with witnessing pain and suffering , and moving beyond it, by not letting it affect us to the point that we become overwhelmed.
5.Compassion is Setting the Intention to Help the Person that is Suffering. This is the final stage where we use our , rational, logical thinking mind to come up with the best ways to help a suffering person . Only empathy can lead us to wrong decisions, however when the rational mind is involved and the motivation is set to help, this can work wonders to alleviate the suffering of the person involved.
We shall use this definition of compassion throughout this blog. It will also help us to bust the common myths that people have about compassion.
Myth 1 : If I am too compassionate , people will take advantage of me
I think the best example I can use for busting this myth is that of a parent-child. Often , parents are plagued with guilt , about disciplining their children and it is hard for some parents. Whereas, other parents become too strict. The right understanding of compassion can help us to understand how to solve this dilemma. Let us say , that your child is not cleaning their room. In order to use the compassionate way , you can do the following:
1. Try to understand what suffering does the child have , that is causing them to not clean their room. Suffering for a teenager comes in many forms.
-Stress about exams
-Too much homework
-Bullying
- Suffering caused due to feeling lazy ( this is what most people would assume at first, this might not be the case)
-De-motivation and dejection about life in general
Use observation and conversation ( see our article on non-violent communication here : https://communicationisthereason.blogspot.com/2019/12/non-violent-communication-brief.html)
Even if it is just laziness that is driving this negative behavior , if it is validated as a problem of thinking , rather than a character flaw , this might work wonders as to how the child views themself.
2. Understand that being lazy or feeling demotivated from time to time is part of being human, and that all human beings suffer from this , from time to time.
3. Put yourself in your child's shoes, how have you felt when you feel lazy , and have a mountain of work to do ?
4. At this point , you might feel angry or dejected. Be Present to those feelings ,but not let them overwhelm you from helping your child .
5. Use your rational , logical , thinking brain to devise methods or ways to help your child clean their room. For example , offering moral support and validation, handing them a book on laziness, penalizing them for example : taking away internet privileges if room is not cleaned by a reasonable amount of time etc
If someone is trying to take advantage of you , you will know it when you put yourselves in their shoes. The compassionate way is the most logical and reasonable way to get your needs as well as the needs of others met .
Myth 2: If I am compassionate, I will not be able to take care of myself
Compassion is extended first to yourself. Hence self-compassion is an important part of being there for others. This has been shown in multiple studies of care taker burnout , where people have overextended themselves , beyond their resources, which has led to burnout. Guess who suffers , when the care taker is burn out -the people being cared for!
Myth 3: Compassion is for emotional sops.I cant run a profitable business like that
Compassion is something emotional sops or cowards cannot engage in. It is really only for the brave. To truly try to understand and be aware of another's suffering is definitely not for the faint-hearted. When managers are truly aware of what causes their employees grief they can work to fix it, they can also understand who is truly performing and not. It does not mean tolerating bad work in the name of "being nice". What is the nicest thing I can do for a person? It is to give them true and honest feedback about their work , so that they can improve themselves. On the contrary , many performance appraisals today are set based on random standards that do not even match the work the employee is doing. Or else , managers are so prejudiced towards someone that they are not present to that person's suffering. Compassionate work places are happy work places. Happy workplaces make for happy employees. Guess who employees are instrumental in making happy when they are happy? That's right - Your customers!
I hope that this article has helped you to bust myths about compassion. Let me reiterate , being a compassionate person means being a brave and courageous person who can dare to look at their own as well as others suffering and making a commitment to make it better , by using the logical and rational part of the brain.
Sources:
Seppala,
E., Seppälä, E., Seppala, E., & Seppälä, E. (n.d.). Why Compassion
in Business Makes Sense. Retrieved from
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_compassion_in_business_makes_sense.
Strauss,
C., Taylor, B. L., Gu, J., Kuyken, W., Baer, R., Jones, F., &
Cavanagh, K. (2016). What is compassion and how can we measure it? A
review of definitions and measures. Clinical Psychology Review, 47, 15–27. doi: 10.1016/j.cpr.2016.05.004
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